I don't deserve happiness...

I just like being sober and in pain, unwilling to change. I really enjoy losing money, especially when it hits a round number, then I cut my losses. If the stock rebounds and rises, I actually feel unhappy, thinking the market has delayed my plan to cut losses by another day. When I get my salary, I put the money into the market, eating cheap meals every day, joining group buys, and only occasionally treating friends, colleagues, or classmates to nice meals while I foot the bill. When someone I barely know asks to borrow 10 yuan, I insist on sending 100 and tell them not to pay it back. Someone younger than me starts a business and asks me to join to make money—I just send them 2000 to support them... I had just graduated back then, earned from overtime work...

Lying in the hospital, fantasizing about nice cars and houses—these fantasies make my sleep sweet. If not for my weak body and inability to get it up, I’d definitely have some fun.